News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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