Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
