Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
