So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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