M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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