i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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