I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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