Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't make out with my wife yet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
