just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
