i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you never un-have a 4some
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
