Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
