he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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