I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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