I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
