I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
