i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
