Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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