apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
