In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
