I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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