Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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