We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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