Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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