I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
