I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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