May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think I just shit out all my problems.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
