I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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