first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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