I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
