I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
