She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
