Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
