Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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