My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
