My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
