He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
