I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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