I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
