My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
