Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
