sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
