I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
