uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My liver just broke up with me...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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