The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
