Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
