just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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