Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
