Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
