I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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