I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
